I am not sure about sharing this. I am not sure I want to really document this. I do know that writing this reflection was good for my soul so I will share it and perhaps someone else will benefit from my reflections.
In the last few weeks, I have found myself reciting the serenity prayer. For various reasons, this small bit of supplication to a higher power is quite applicable to my life right now. I am struggling quite a bit with the hand we have been dealt in life. My husband and I are unable to conceive. We have tried a few procedures, but it has been a long time and we are tired of the disappointment. It is not always easy to tell the difference between things you can change and things you cannot change.
SERENITYIn this world of incredible medical advances and technology, there are so many opportunities to keep trying to conceive. There comes a point, though, at which it becomes absurd to continue to spend outrageous amounts of money for the slight chance that it might work. Logically understanding that it is time to stop trying is far removed from accepting the inevitable. I need vast amounts of serenity to accept this one.
COURAGEWhat I can do is to live my life in a healthy way and to take care of myself and my husband. We both need to change our diet and lose weight for our health. It takes courage to change our habits, but it is so important for us to live our best life, even if it is a different life from what we had imagined. It takes courage for me to change the direction I saw my life going. It takes courage to keep moving forward.
This one is tricky. It is hard to know when it is time to stop. I understand the reasons for stopping and I am not getting any younger, but it is hard to know that this is the right thing to do. Every fiber of my being has always known since I was very little that I am made to be a mother. Who am I to stand in the way of this destiny? Except it isn't me standing in the way. It is infertility rearing its ugly head. I am still working on this one. It is hard to know the difference here.
As I have been struggling through all of this in the last few weeks, the serenity prayer has repeatedly popped into my head. It is so interesting how a small bit of text can help you to reflect on almost anything in life. As I work through one of the most difficult things I have had to work through in my life, I find the words comforting and I hope someone is hearing my prayer.