Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Slice of Life: Where Did The Confidence Go? 6/23



Every Tuesday, a group of bloggers share a Slice of Life. If you are interested in joining in, visit the Two Writing Teachers blog for more information. 

     When I was younger, I think I was much more adventurous. It may be just my imagination, but I remember being able to let go of thinking about how I looked or sounded and being able to just be me. This was especially true in classes. I was the student who always had her hand in the air. I love learning and I had an insatiable drive for learning more and discussing that learning with my classmates.

     I still have that innate drive to learn more. I still love to attend conferences and professional development opportunities. I still sit relatively close to the front. I still raise my hand and participate in discussions. However, it seems to cost me more now. It takes an extraordinary amount of self-talk to convince myself to get to the session in the first place. I get anxious about it before I am even dressed for the event. I feel this ridiculous amount of pressure (from myself) to not appear pushy or like a know-it-all. I sometimes refrain from introducing myself to people because I am afraid that they won't know who I am or that they will think me annoying. This isn't at all about the other people in the room. I am pretty sure that the other people at the conferences won't actually find me annoying and might actually like some of my ideas. However, I seem to be almost cripplingly unsure of myself. My confidence seems to have vanished.

     I wonder why that has happened. I don't think there have been any ridiculously awful experiences that I have had with other people reacting to me in a weird way. I do not experience this lack of confidence when working with my students. In fact, I think they would be shocked that I even know what it is like to be doubting oneself. How can I have such confidence in the classroom and so little confidence when faced with a social situation?

     The introvert in me cringes at the mention of a new experience with a new set of people. That is why I am proud of myself for attending not only one, but two new conferences last week. At both conferences, there were people who I "knew" online from blogging communities and from Twitter, but it was nerve-wracking to go into these new experiences. I found some people to learn with and enjoyed meeting some of my online friends. However, I never got up the guts to approach some of the other people who I "know" but have never met face to face. Maybe next year I will ditch the self-doubt and branch out to meeting new people.
 

5 comments:

  1. I have experienced similar feelings, Andrea, and I am 45 years old and have been teaching for 21 years! Like you, I always feel at home in my classroom. It's when I'm faced with meeting other professionals, or even new friends in a social situation, that I feel I need a pep talk. The last conference I attended, I was so nervous I spilled my coffee on the registration table. There were no napkins, so I had to sop it up with sugar packets. I consoled myself with the fact that I'd have something funny to write about later. Stay true to yourself and hang in there! You're not alone!

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  2. You are definitely not alone! And there is quiet power in an introvert who observes and waits. I think we've all experienced the sense of insecurity you describe. Good for you for breaking out and going to the conferences. Keep that up!

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  3. I know my confidence waxes and wanes, as well. I will say that I am an extrovert with introvert tendencies! Proud of you for moving forward!

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  4. Those feelings of insecurity are powerful, but I am glad that you're resisting them. You have so much to share!

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  5. This is an interesting question. I can't say I have ever experienced the confidence you had as a kid. I remember going entire years without raising my hand. If called upon, I'd usually say I didn't know rather than risk an answer I wasn't 110% confident with.

    There seem to be lots of answers in the online world of educators, not enough questioning. Are people presenting themselves (and their ideas/knowledge) as more confident than they feel? I suspect they are, but I still feel intimidated by it.

    I enjoyed reading your reflection.
    Deb
    Not very fancy in 1st

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